Meet the Bruit-O-Matic — the ultimate nightmare for shared living spaces.

Every time you place an object on the surface, the desk responds with a perfectly timed seagull screech or the unmistakable squeal of rubbing polystyrene. The central drawer is precision-engineered to emit a 120 dB creak the moment it’s opened more than two centimeters.

Standard features include a built-in speaker system that replicates the sound of a Slack notification every 15 seconds — whether you’re connected or not.

Designed for those who believe productivity should never come without… acoustic consequences.